There comes a time in the summer in-between when one must take a break from living in limbo to take on a professional interview. The interview is a strange and awkward situation. It occurs when an employer sits down their subject and begins to conduct a draining question and answer session that is slightly less uncomfortable then an annual trip to the private parts doctor. At first, one may get excited about the prospect of being interviewed for any sort of big-kid job. After all, weeks of being the oldest person at The O and the youngest at Bar Louie, leads an individual to wonder when they will actually start to move on with their life. Finally, when someone is allowing you the chance to proclaim your worth and explain that four years of college has harbored more then sensational beer pong skills, it is more than exciting to charm your way into the working world. In theory however, this perception of the interview is far more glamorous then the way it goes in reality.
The interview is really just life’s little way of breaking people down, humbling them into the realization that they are just a tiny little membrane of society. Interviews are reminiscent of the time when we were flung from our high horses senior year of high school, into the little shrimps that clumped together at fraternity after hours freshmen year. The interview, like the first breaths of college air, reminds us that we really are not that big and bad, even though the weed-loving english teacher was always willing to write you a note out of class, or your friendship with the vice principal allowed you excessive pardon for your constant misbehavior. One minute you feel like a hot shot being amongst the only students in school old enough to buy cigarettes, the next you are herded like cattle into the freshmen dorms, realizing that you are just another little bitch with a fake ID. The interview gives you this same feeling of worthlessness, as you go from being the all-knowing fourth year college student, to the out-of towner that can’t figure out what set of elevators to take in the lobby of the sky-scraping downtown office. As you get to the right set of doors, tired, exasperated and nervous you realize that the hard part hasn’t even begun.
As you sit in the waiting room, you drum your fingers nervously as employees walk by smiling knowingly. They see you fresh out of college, sitting awkwardly in your new suit that actually fits you normally, and not one you would wear to an office hoes rager at your local party house. Finally somebody comes and claims you as their personal little prey, and you follow them into their office, assuming these next couple hours may be more painful than watching thirteen year-olds grind up against each other at your cousin’s Bar-Mitzvah. And then finally you become limp with helplessness as questions start being thrown at you, and you have no choice but to answer them.
I cannot even help but think of how I would really answer their questions, given of course, that a job would not be my final goal. When asked why I want the position, I want to look at them wide eyed and ask them how scared shitless they were after they graduated college with no place to go. Four years of an upper-middle class high school that encourages success and excellence, and the prospect of one not attending a four year university is pretty much out of the question. Four years of living off Ohio State’s campus where one can find a forty year-old at the liquor store whose definition of splurging involves buying a forty of Miller High Life versus a forty of Mickey’s. Why do I want this job??!! Because this job comes with a paycheck, and I must start saving for my penthouse in the city! Because my biggest fear is that I will be forced to heave home to live with my parents and work in the suburbs! However, this answer is absolutely inappropriate to relay to your future boss. Therefore you rattle off your most integral skills and somehow relate them to tasks you would be responsible for in your position.
The real kicker however is when they ask what your biggest weakness is. I’m sorry but haven’t we all read enough books on professional guidance and cosmo articles to know exactly how to answer that question? Its almost like when your grandmother asks you where you spent your birthday money. You wouldn’t tell her it went towards paying the cable bill at Eddie George’s right? Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that to answer this specific question you just take a positive quality and somehow turn it into a negative one. I try too hard to please everyone, I never give up even if the task seems impossible, I focus too much on details, I am too hard on myself, blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You know what I really want to tell them? My biggest weakness is men and alcohol. And if you don’t like that answer and would prefer me to spit out something that basically says that I’m a pushover, then the only thing more skewed then my response is the premise that such a screening process really finds the rightful candidate for a job.
Finally, your interviewer asks if you have any questions for them. The same book that describes exactly how to answer the question regarding your biggest weakness will say that one MUST have a couple questions to ask, when asked if you have any questions. And so instead of asking the questions that really come to mind, i.e., what will I be paid, where's the nearest happy hour, is an Ohio State jersey acceptable to wear on casual fridays, one will have to ask the interviewer questions that they have heard a million and a half times. What has your career path consisted of, what is the hardest part about your job, what is the most challenging aspect of this industry, etc. Additionally this is usually the part of the interview when my previous commentary on social media usually comes into play. *And just as a disclaimer my interviewer DID look me up on Facebook and mentioned that he knew I was social because of my (rattled off some number) friends. *
Ultimately, one walks out of an interview unsure of how they did. Whether or not this process is an efficient way to hire people, that is not for the lowly college graduate to decide. It is just part of the physics of life, like the fact that dessert should be eaten after dinner, or how George Clooney will still be sexy in the nursing home. While you may have done everything right on your part, you never really know what answers your potential employers were looking for, or whose uncle knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody, etc. Interviews are difficult and the only thing more aggravating then the actual process is being asked, “how’d it go?” over and over and over afterward. *And just as a disclaimer, please refrain from asking me this question.* Thanks.
Meem
No comments:
Post a Comment